Shem Earwicker was in bed. He was savoring the victory he had just won that same day. "Mr. President." Feels better than "Your Highness," thought he. In bed, he was already brooding over the sugary sweet taste of freshly acquired power. What to do with it.
Shem was not fond of seriousness. He was a complete amateur. That was why he got elected. The people wanted an amateur. That is, people were fed up with the professionals. Shem thought that the right thing to do was to use his power in an amateurish way. In other words, Shem wanted to use his power to feel good. Because whatever that makes you feel good, must be good. He knew this from experience. He hated hangovers, and he also hated those moments when it dawned on him that perhaps his partner was faking it all night long. No, none of that for me, he thought. I want to feel good.
"I want to see the Deputy Chief," Shem announced the next day. The Deputy Chief entered. "You called me sir?"
"Yes," Shem said. "I want you to arrest all the executives and former executives of L****n B******s and A*G and G*****n S***s and all the rest. They should be detained and put on trial. The trial should be as short as possible. And then you can do whatever you like with them. Here is a formal order."
Shem handed the Deputy Chief a document with his signature.
"And remember to take note of the amount of money they will offer you as a bribe," Shem added. "Record all offers. Once they are arrested, I will match it up and pay you in full. This document is my word." And he handed the Deputy Chief another document with his signature.
Two days went by. The Deputy Chief managed to assemble a team of officers. They arrested the bankers and former bankers and one financial minister too. They arrested a few other people, including certain academics. All of this was done in the spirit of a carnival. However, it felt good. There was no hangover and no doubt of authenticity. People felt genuinely orgasmic. Shem was happy.
--
"Wow," he thought. "That really felt good."
Shem had just paid the Deputy Chief $1,000,000,000 of taxpayer money. The news went public. There was an outcry. Shem delivered a speech.
"He would have gotten the money anyways," Shem pointed out. Reason reigned. The crowd fell silent. "Better reward heroes than traitors." General applause. "In future, heroes will be rewarded." More applause. It was a good day.
--
"Come to think of it, I don't like controlling people. Controlling people takes time. It also creates enemies, and fears, because enemies create fears. Fear does not feel good. No, I just want people to mind their own business."
Shem announced that people are free to move into vacant houses and that people are free to go to whatever school they choose. People don't have to pay tuition because they were studying for their own good. Shem will take care of the teachers with taxpayer money.
"But we no longer have taxpayer money left, Mr. President," the Finance Minister said the next day.
"Oh well. Then just print some more money," said Shem. "Oh, and also make sure to destroy all records of previous financial transactions. I want a clean slate because I don't understand economics. It makes no difference, really. It'll get those couch potatoes off their couches and look at something other than their computer screens."
Brilliant idea, he thought. And the people loved it too. Shem was the first President to walk in the streets without bodyguards or SPs. This was recorded in the Guinness Book of Records.
--
"I just gave housing to 15 million citizens," Shem thought in bed. "That really feels good. I can die now."
But he did not die. He was not killed. He was not killed because all of his party members and ministers were beautiful and handsome and witty and popular. People didn't want to see them go. People are not resentful. That is, they do not resent those who appear on TV or on YouTube. If they do resent them occasionally, that can be taken care of. That is why the country has mass surveillance.
"That is creepy," Shem thought. "That is like peeking through the bathroom door when your partner's undressing. That is perverted." So he decided to destroy the surveillance apparatus. He destroyed it by giving a holiday to all national security employees. He then played with some drones and blew up the supercomputers. He then told the employees to go and teach the next generation how to play with computers.
--
"I don't like the idea of people getting paid more than me," Shem thought one day. "That just doesn't feel good."
He introduced a law that said that anybody caught earning more annual income than the President will be prosecuted and their income taken away.
"I get paid $150,000 this year," Shem thought. "A household of three should get paid $450,000 and no more. Stop complaining!"
Nobody complained. Those who were supposed to complain were already in jail. Shem fined them and took away their past earnings and used that money to reward the Deputy Chief. Since then, Shem was on good terms with the Deputy Chief. Perhaps they can go fishing tomorrow.
